Day 1 Morning (On Awakening)
I haven’t slept. Had too many cigarettes. Don’t like it when I act like this, but I took a shower to get more comfortable to write you. As I write you I think about the videos I have made for men to let them get to know me. I don’t really know if they watched them. I just know I watched them and learned a lot about myself.
I thought about using voice typing to write these letters to you. I may try it in the future, but now I feel comfortable typing.
I read Al Anon literature just now. I completed Chapter 5 and I have some notes: I need help with my awareness. I need help recognizing when my old defenses are no longer necessary or desirable.
A perfect example is how I shut down the last couple days when John was not speaking to me. I took his silence as an insult. Then I isolated myself. I shut down pretty quick and slept. It was alright to get some rest, but I completely shut down. Now I’m awake tonight with insomnia even though I have taken my medication. I was so worried he was going to drink again immediately after his parole visit.
He even poked fun at me by asking me if I would bail him out. He is aware that I stress out about his drinking and that I don’t trust him. Help me build that trust back up, because I do love him. Help me forgive his past mistakes. Let me not dish out justice but grant mercy.
I think about all the times you have given me a second chance, especially with my sex addiction. I was a very sick person but You and Dr. Ameel found me the right combination of medication to curb my cravings. I ask that you help John find what he needs to be sober.
I will try to understand that he is very reserved when he is sober and may not display a lot of affection like he was when he was drinking. I understand that I am the same way when I’m drinking: I love everyone. However, it takes a lot to look at myself sober. I am also finding out it takes a lot to look at myself when I focus the attention on me instead of John. I have a lot to work on. I’m still sick from the effects of alcoholism, because there are some character defects that I have not surrendered to You.
I like writing to you in this way. I understand why David wrote Psalms the way he did. It’s so much easier to write my thoughts down and know You are listening. It reminds me of the movie Bruce Almighty when Jim Carrey was receiving all those emails. He had a shortcut and answered each prayer with a standard reply. I know You are not like that. I know you listen to every prayer and are attentive to every person. You are beyond understanding. You are powerful in every sense of the word and Your plan is good enough for me.
Please forgive me for not acknowledging that often enough. It is moments such as this that I do think about You as my truest lover and I want to grow this relationship with You.
I do have You in my heart. You have been there since I was a child riding on the Joy Bus. You made me feel so good and energetic.
I want to feel that again in time. Sunny is whining so I have to go, but I will speak to You again soon. There was just some things on my mind and I could not sleep. I will do more readings and make notes to ask requests that I need help with.
I’m your daughter in Christ. I love You. In Jesus’ name. AMEN
Day 1 Morning (On Awakening continued)
I ask that You direct my thinking that it will divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives.
I ask for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision.
How can I best serve Thee? Thy will (not mine) be done.
I ask for freedom from self-will.
I would like to add schizogirl264 to my prayers for the following reason:
Got my housing application done. Two of them at least. Really happy to finally be about to move out. I could use some prayers
I would like to add TrixieSwizzle to my prayers for the following reason:
Optimistic. I am going to the Ortho Doc tomorrow, after many tests such as CT scan, MRI and Bone Density test to find out what they are going to do! I hope finally that they can do something, anything, to relieve the pain in my hips and back!
What’s your biggest hindrance in speaking up about your experience with Christ? What changes could you make in your daily habits that would increase your opportunities to share?
- I just need to look for opportunities to talk about Christ without being offensive. I can talk about comedies or scriptures I have read that impact me. I need to be ok with other people talking about Christ as well.
- I can start with talking about him in bible study and asking the group for suggestions on how to bring Christ up in daily conversation. I was forwarding emails to Eric but I stopped, because he seemed to be responding in a weird way. It may just be feeling defensive. If I can continue to share these emails with Him, please give me a sign. Also place people in my life to talk to who may benefit from Christianity or more about God’s Word through Jesus.
- I will try harder to know scripture so I can share it. I just don’t want to beat people over the head with the Bible and then people take my action as a hindrance to get to know You. Allow me to be an invitation: a small spark in the darkness that lights the candle.
I am a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. We talk about You but we are limited to talk about Your Son, because many alcoholics have been damaged by Christianity. I was one of them.
I have returned to the church I went to as a child. It has been easier for me to sleep than wake up and go to early morning service. I enjoy the Library Group, because it allows me to make amends for the resentment I had towards the Church of Christ.
I can’t share in AA about Christ but I can talk generally about His teachings and be an example through learning about Him and emulating Him.
Please help me get over my resentment with Kevin. Let me find a safe place with him. I want to be helpful but not taken advantage of. Show me how to express grace and mercy. I felt some compassion for him today, because it was raining. I believe Patty took care of him.
Lord, You’ve done something incredible in me—redeeming me, changing me. Sometimes I let everyday life mute the enormity of it, but Your grace and love toward me is beyond amazing. How can I be content not speaking of it to others? You put me in situations all the time where Your Spirit is ready to touch people’s lives, if only I’ll speak up for what I know to be true. Open my heart anew to Your Word, and open my mouth to share Your message, in the mighty name of Jesus, amen.